The afternoon is upon us, my rosy cheeked friends, and today we’ll be talking about linoleum. Yellow stained linoleum to be exact. Before we begin, let’s reflect upon a haiku that is the top Google hit for “linoleum sucks”:

Linoleum Sucks: A Haiku

twenty year old stains
vinyl linoleum taunts
my mop refuses

Thanks for that, “sugarbritches26.” Anyway, if you are anything  like me, you aren’t a big fan of linoleum floors. I’d rather see a movie with Larry the Cable Guy in it than a kitchen or, god forbid, a living room with linoleum in it. I hate it that much. Anyway, we can’t always get what we want, and sometimes what we get are yellowing, stained linoleum. While this is sometimes a great excuse to replace your vinyl linoleum floor with something a little bit easier on the eyes (and feet), there are some instances when you can salvage your retro floor.

The first step to finding out if you can clean the yellow stains on your vinyl linoleum floor is to figure out what what the heck it is.

It could be a couple of things:

• Everyday dirt and  grime (gross)
• Waxy buildup
• Heat damage (bad news)

If there’s yellowing on the linoleum near a vent or an appliance, then it very may well be heat damage. In that case, you may as well throw in the towel. But that’s not always the case.

To test to see if its wax build up or heat damage, pour a little bit of 50:50  ammonia/water solution on the yellowest part you can find and wait a bit. If it turns sticky and comes up when you wipe it, then you’ve got waxy build up on your hands. That’s good – it means you can clean it up.

You can go ahead and mop (or scrub, if necessary) the entire area with ammonia and water, but there is a greener solution. Try this:

1. Sweep and mop your floor as normal to remove all debris.
2. Get two buckets.
3. Fill one with a gallon of  white vinegar and a cup of cream of tartar (i.e. potassium hydrogen tartrate for all you chemistry geeks).
4. Fill the other with clear hot water.
5. Dip a scrubbing brush in the vinegar/cream of tarter mixture and scrub, scrub, scrub in circular patterns on the floor.
6. Rinse with a rag from the clear hot water.
7. Mop up the entire area with a clean mop.

That’s it. The vinegar/cream of tartar mixture is mostly safe (a heckuva lot less toxic than amonia), but you’ll still want to wear gloves while doing this job. And I know, a gallon of white vinegar and a cup of cream of tartar is a lot, but you can get them in bulk for cheap from some grocery stores or online.

You can get 4 gallons of white distilled vinegar from Amazon for $16 bucks and you can get 3 Lb Cream Of Tartar at Kalyx.com for $21 (though you probably need a lot less). Maybe you can go in with a few friends and all clean your waxy, yellow vinyl linoleum floors together.